Rest easy

May those who pass rest easy, away from this world may they find something more. There gone for a reason. Although we have to live without them. let us not be selfish and realize it is a better place for them to be. The worse thing is knowing that we continue to live without them and we catch ourselves saying "love don't follow me again because I don't want to cry like this"

 RIP Jeremy ♥ 

RIP Anthony ♥ 

so run like hell

Walking out of the house this morning thinking what is going on with you? I'm thinking of how to say "I'm sorry" for something I didn't do. but then i realize i should just run like hell because it's so hard to come back from the mess you have made. Any moment could be my last and i don't want to wait one more minute on something that gives me grief.  This isn't a life or death situation therefore ill be just fine...

After all the pain you put me through

I can't stand to see the sight of you

and you won't drown me in your misery

you'll have to find someone else to be your company

Live by this...

Your angry negative energy can go fuck with someone else. Misery loves company, and i won't be your company. instead i'll pity you and hope one day you can be happy

HAPPY

It 3:13 and im at it again. I am damn happy. I am better off never knowing. This life is a beautiful one and its only going up and up. The reason for any of my tears before were never worth crying. Things always work out the way they are meant to be. I'm looking up toward the sun and smiling. I woke up this morning feeling indiffrent but now i know, i know for a fact i'm fine and no matter what my smile will go on forever. No one can take that from me.

dayum

I never go with the wind, maybe it's time to start. I don't want a map from anyone, I want to get lost and find my own way out. You only hear half of what i say. Maybe i have to choose between what i want and what you think i need. Maybe i should think before i speak, maybe i should be patient. I should be balanced, calm and collected. I'm done trying to control things, i don't want to be torn so i'm letting things go on their own. It's something allot more of us should do. Everything happens for a reason. 

Today my friend pulled tarot cards for me and she pulled a 3 of cups as the card that represented me as an outcome to a situation. Her detailed explanation of the card was that no matter what i went through no matter what i decided for my future in the end  I wouldn't change as a person id stay positive happy  and I'd be okay in the end except for the fact that i would only grow stronger. I know Tarot cards aren't definite but with a card like that. Why not just go with the wind and see how everything works out because no matter what I'm going to be okay. I don't want to have regrets when I'm old. I don't want to look back and see how much i tried to control things and prevent events from happening. There is always a reason why certain people don't make it to your future and just sit in your past and there is always a reason why you made a decision before to bring you where you are today.

hehe

You are my risk i'll never take.

 You are unfamiliar territory that I'm afraid to get used to.  

It's the truth and the dare.  

Bring down the walls I built and enter at your own risk. 

Lead me away from everything I've known show me something different and tell me things I don't know. 

You make me feel everything and nothing all at once.

These feelings for you come around and i push them aside until you do something else to make them come back again. 

You listen when I talk, You remember things i say. You care enough to ask "How was your day?

Your depth and intellectual words make me know i want you without second guessing. 

I don't want this life I've had or have now i want something different drag me through the change even though i may not like it i know it's best for me and there is no one better to start off change with then you. 

Show me slowly how much better life can be. 

Be patient and kind and understand this time is for me.

happinesss

The truth is... what is the ultimate happiness? in society, in life, the majority fears dying alone. The truth is... all of our unhappiness comes from out inability to be alone. We depend so much on other people to lift our spirits, make us happy or give us a reason to wake up in the morning. we depend on others so much that we forget what it feels like to find happiness through ourselves. leaning on someone is different then depending on them. depend on no one but yourself, live your life and learn how to make yourself happy it's the only guarantee to the ultimate happiness. You can predict your own actions you can read your own mind and everyone knows what they want within themselves. It's just a matter of if your have the guts to reach for it or make it happen. Deep down everyone knows what the right thing to do is, it's just the side factors that cause a distraction. You know yourself and never let anyone else act or think they know you better. At the end of the day the only person you can depend and guarantee happiness from, is yourself. It's hard to predict what others will do and sometimes they will take you by surprise, sometimes they will leave out of nowhere with no explanation, sometimes they will go bipolar on you and you won't know what is was that caused it. Sometimess... you will blame yourself.  If there is anything i have learned in the past three years, it's to not depend on others. The biggest life lesson is learning how to make yourself happy, although without a doubt its natural others will get you upset, bring you down and disappoint you. As long as you can depend on you to bring yourself back up then everything will ALWAYS be alright.

Its pretty much a known fact that "everything happens for a reason" wether its to benefit you, or hurt you in order to teach you a lesson. For lack of a better choice of words, "shit happens" you falll in love , get emotionally attached, you break up, you hurt. You end up missing the 9am train and taking the ten. You get fired from your job to only find a better one. Your thumb gets slamed in a car door by accident. Although we may not knw what the helll the reason may be, it becomes self evident over a certain period of time. Ever catch urself saying... "well i would of never gotten here if it was for ... " or " i would of nevr met him if i didnt miss my train"

How many times can I break till i shatter?

you are the only one who can undo what you've done

A broken vase has  split into a couple big pieces, typically you grab some glue and it is easy to fix. The vase is weak but it holds together. 

When the vase is shattered into a million pieces, there is no possible way to arrange a million little pieces with some glue...

Gurwin nursing home is not one of the most exciting places to get some volunteer work done but it certainly gets the job done. When something exciting or "life changing " does occur it is one for the books. For example, with the most current event of the death of michael jackson it gives residents and employes something to talk about at work. One african american lady from panama working at Gurwin was going on and on  on how amazing michael jackson was. she described him as being a fruit. a fruit that everyone enjoyed when they tasted it. her passionate talk of michael jackson was shortly interrupted by a white male janitor who entered the dining hall of the first floor where myself the woman from panama and one other lady were watching the news. The man came in ranting about how michael jackson was a pervert and a weirdo. Ofcourse the woman replied with "michael was a giver, a giver to everybody . he was a gift to the world" naturally the conversation became heated and the two coworkers began to raise their voices as they bickered back and fourth. myself and the other woman watched from different areas of the dining hall as the two joked around with eachother. The african american woman noticed i was paying attention too her discussion with the man and then asked "you like michael jackson baby?" . i smiled and shook yes. 

As the man walked out, the panama lady approached me. "see baby, people like that ... negative people like that you don't need in your life... michael was a giver, a good man, a private person" as soon as the lady said michael she kind of lost my attention but her first sentence kind of stuck with me. She went on and on about michael this and michael that... finally... " You need to exclude negative people from your life, I tell my son all the time, you think you have friends? you don't. Most the time your so called friend does not want to see you succeed if you are already an intelligent person. They will do everything they can to try and bring you down with them. Misery loves company. Your family will bring you up. God has a purpose for everyone in this world, even druggies. They have a purpose. They are stuck being druggies because they have not fulfilled what god planned for them to do. Negative people will bring you down and it takes a strong person to exclude them from your life. God has a way of sending you signs, if someone you know is saying something you don't agree with or you know is wrong it is almost like satan is talking for them. That is how you know that person is not meant for you. Or if someone is speaking bad about you and it eventually makes its way back to you. God meant for you to hear it, god meant for you to hear that person talking about you, that was your sign for you to exclude them from your life.

It is the things that are familiar to us in which we stay close too. familiar air to breathe, familar surroundings closer to home. This is what keeps us hooked. can't stop, won't stop. To keep the unfamiliar out and only the familiar to be let in. How does one go about getting the familiar and everything they know best to become the unfamiliar? how will you force yourself to hate something and reject it after already accepting it for so long. courage? trial and error? or in order to reject something you accepted in the past, you need to accept something  you would normally reject.  accepting a new thing will allow you to reject the old easier. the counter action will be a key to living life and not living in the past. a part of moving on and living a life is accepting new things, letting old things go. and opening your eyes up to different possibilities 

Your Perfect yet uncertain, nothing wrong, just a past that sits in the way. It doesn't get much better then where i am right now. it sits and waits in front of my face yet the reach feels so far. past times please let me go , so i can move forward to something that sits and waits for me. i can do this alone but who wants to do this alone?. until you came around sang me a song and now i'm singing it back to you. give me time and i'll come around.

it's never enough to say i'm sorry

and it's never enough to say that i care

and it's never enough to say i love you

your always mad at something

i'm not even hurt anymore because i know who is better

it's your loss now. 

you better come up with something good for later when you need me.

this is my closure 

this is goodbye and i'm feeling just fine