Words Can't describe...

And right now I'm barley breathing, holding on by a thread to make it through with the rest of the things i have to do .Hope your happy that your back on top again to see things through. Same circle again of love and hate. Torn apart against our fate.

RISK

Its down to this I gotta make this life make sense. If you knew what the outcome would be would you make your decision accordingly? Ofcourse you would. Then why isn’t this available to us? How are we suppose to sit here and decide what is right for us when we have a blind path ahead of us. How do we make the right choices? can anyone see me down here? I don’t want to go back to the world I once knew. If we could make some sense out of anything it would be to work toward an outcome or to avoid one. It leave’s us all thinking how will we know? What if? And How did it come to this? Truth is we will never get this whole “how do we know if we made the right descion ?” thing down. You won’t know until it is made… That’s what scares us the most.

When the clouds burn away

There goes my hero.
Think of me when your out , when your out there
It's a shame I'm only a dream.
I thought everyone would treat me the way u do, if not better but now I'm starting to see you treat me better then I will ever see.
Maybe we can remember to slow down all our favorite parts .
Maybe when all is forgiven because the tables can turn around and time will repair.

October 13th

let me start off by saying how grateful i am to be loved and cherished by such amazing people. I have the most exceptional people in my life and love them dearly. Even though these are the faces you fight cry and laugh with everyday it's a day like today where you look back and just say thanks. I am a very lucky young lady, even though i am halfway to forty. I am happy to enjoy the next 20 years of life with the same people i laugh cry and fight with everyday.
thank you everyone for making this Birthday so special and memorable
20<3

BE STILL

Are you having trouble seeing this thing through
i wanna know who your running from me or you?
your too confused to open up and feel the way other's do.
.... living like it all depends on you....
Love How your never satisfied
but they don't have to understand you... Be still
and here you are down on your knee's again

We live well enough alone

When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things WERE instead of letting things be what they ARE. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again

babytonight

You've got a lot to say
for the one that walked away.
I give you take

I was out of addictions

I was sick of restrictions, sick of the boundaries ... about to close the door. What should i settle for ?
Now i don't know what to do with myself.


now i know for sure there is no cure.

Who's going home with you tonight?
why can't i hold onto you.


is this how we say goodbye?

TEXT

(404) He asked if i wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind because he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts.

...THAT THOUGHTFUL

I'm falling even more...
in love with you
I'm letting go of all I held on to

If sleep had a personality it would be a bitch

Peaceful dream, horrific nightmare, haunting memories,
Leave me be, i just wanna fall
i just wanna fall asleep and stay asleep with no memories
Daytime wide awake you keep me sane and smiling
but come the dark and eyelids shut leaving me with uncertainty and
sometimes wondering if Nightmares are signs and try to speak aloud to me

Blind to me, don't look my way cause ill be blind to you

"Thought things were civil...." Next time when you try and tell me the truth, DON'T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE. Everything has a way of getting back to me. Lucky for me I'm already home.
You didn't think. and I know your listening now. I Don't care what you think.

~19~

I'm used to saying no, I'm used to walking the opposite way, but I finally did something different I took a jump with some hesitation and uncertainty but its about time love caught me off guard. I never thought id be able to do it....

Here we go again... hold your breathe... and start over

love won't pay the bills

"She said lifes alot to think about sometimes especially when your living in between the lines." The future i set for my self and the life path i am on right now is anything but ordinary anything but consistent and calm. Right now what i have set is to do nothing but live in between the lines. They say the road is rigorous and demanding but I want it bad no matter what. I want the chaos the rush and i want to FEEL every emotion of it. Right now there is alot to be thankful for. Especially for how my life made a turnaround and i can finally focus on myself and feel worthy, finally noone to put me down and tell me what im lacking or what I'm not doing right or enough of. The only person to criticize what i do is myself. I should be my own worst enemy and i should be the pain in the ass that pushes myself through tough times... and finally I am. I remember a couple years ago having a completely different plan for myself involving different people and all sorts of big ideas. But everything happens for a reason and I'm beginning to see why it played out the way it did and for that im more then grateful. :)

These are the wonders of my world

It's been a long time since i walked down to the shore, where i was alone and at peace, where i had my chance to just speak and not know if anyone was listening. the foot steps and black sandals saved my life, they made me walk away. It's nice to know that at least i have brains down there. At least my feet are thinking in the right direction. Ever since the walk i took i wake up happy every morning. It's like nothing can harm me. life is stressful workload gets heavy but i still smile when i wake up in the morning. It is something i used to never be able to do. I was never able to wake up on summer mornings and be thankful or just be happy. The black sandals that walked to the shore saved my life and showed me what happiness is. showed me what caring meant showed me what people in my life are capable of and how strangers can surprise you and what starting over means. I know some more rough patches are heading my way but I'm living in the moment and it feels good to smile again. feels good to realize again what i want most in life. i feel good again after hard work. I feel good again when making a difference. I feel like i am back in my own skin again.

RIP for those who lost their lives in 9/11
you will always be in our heats <3

you were blind to me now im blind to you

Never to return, never to look back. Your a stranger, i need to let go of the things that made me fall. Do me a favor and don't even look my way. This is the best i have ever been since you been gone and from here it can only get better because i won't let you come back. You think I don't know but i have every right idea telling me your not what i want anymore, your not what i expected, Your not who you used to be and im not the person i once was either. It's easier now for me to say no and for me to say goodbye. Don't think there will always be a place for you here because you didn't think to care about me.


DEUCES!

This sums it up !

STAND FOR SOMETHING OR YOU WILL FALL FOR ANYTHING

i wont put myself back in the fire again its the same damn thing. i'm so quick to believe i do it over and over again and its the same mistakes everyone is watching me make... so before you open your mouth let me make this clear i can't be brought down.
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything and i give until theres nothing to give. before you open your mouth let me make this clear...

so why are YOU running away when i'm walking in the opposite direction of you. Do us both a favor and get over yourself because when i disappear don't expect me back. When i say im done, I'm done... i never felt more strong and more sure of those words. wasted time wasted affection to someone who doesn't appreciate it. nah This is not where I belong, I can't give everything away.

sick twisted smile

Now my respect I demand it
Im going to take control and what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me So you better hear me out this much you owe me I wont be coming back so dont hold your fucking breath you know what youve done no need to go in depth I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that aint good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
till I snap Im leaving you, my life sentence is served .

one can only take so much... goodbye

listen to your gut feeling... if there is anything i learned in life so far it's that my gut feeling is always the right one.

AND I WON'T say one single word until we get this right

I know what is going on, I know where this is going, I know what i have to do... it's just a matter of when.

1115

If i could ask god one question RIGHT NOW it would be asking why hasn't he left my head yet?... i thought this type of stuff was supposed to go away after oh I don't know three years or so? are you trying to tell me something by keeping him around or keeping him on my mind? please make up your mind already. Give me a sign? I mean anything at this point will do. Even a bird shitting on my head, I just might then understand what you are trying say. I'm not looking for anything im not on a search or a mission i just want a heads up of some sort. If something is going to hurt can you make it hurt now instead of when im in the middle of the worst/hardest semester of my life? Just please make a move already god, your acting like a eighth grade boy trying to smoothly place his arm around a girl. If he is going to leave make him leave my head... poof!! if he is going to stay, great let him stick around as long as I don't get hurt. I just want to be in a situation where it is easy without the bitter sweet twists of mind games and reading into things. Comfortable and easy... Please?

-You can erase someone from your mind.... Getting them out of your heart is another story

Someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you

"I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow..."
I'd like to know where this will go, so many questions never answered
three years later your still on my mind.
I don't think you will ever leave my thoughts
but someday we'll know, someday you'll know.
"Someday we'll know if love could move some mountains"

Free fall out into nothing

i wish i could just free fall. learn to not ask so many questions... Instead of asking "why?" i wish i could just let go and fall. I want to free fall and leave this world for a little while. I'm not sure what it is going to take to get me to let go but i know it is what i want the most. Life is too short and all i want to do is free fall. No questions asked. I don't want to control how or where things are going, i just want to let go

Id end it before we begin

Its funny how you think I’m an idiot, its funny how you think I trust every word you say. You changed for the worse I don’t know who you are any more but im so turned off.I wanted you so bad but now all i am is disgusted. who are you? I won’t hold my breath for you to come back around. But I am fucking done. I’ve killed you with kindness only to receive nothing back. You spit on me and slapped me around. I had enough. There is noone to blame but myself for putting up so long with your mental abuse. You’re a sick twisted fuck. How could you think I didn’t know? You made a holy fool of me, and I thank you now. Your real good at what you do…. Wheel me in and push me away. Your real smooth at what you do… you make me laugh because I don’t think you realize what you do to me. Your too selfish to realize its not just you. Everything can’t always be on your terms. I’m not a rag doll to be tossed around. I won’t be here forever and you can’t just want me and be nice whenever you feel like it or whenever it’s convenient for you. Because all this…. Just isn’t convenient for me

You can take everything you can hurt me, make me cry, make me angry and curse, But you can't take my smile, and what i'm meant to do in life. It doesnt effect me anymore, I'm happy no matter what now.

" Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie "

I can't tell you what it really is but i can only tell you what it feels like. When its good its going great but when it's bad it's awful maybe our relationship Isn't as crazy as it seems maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. We fall back into the same patterns, same routine. but thats alright because i like the way it hurts. The way THIS hurts.

Got my middle finger up... cause I don't really give a fuck
I'm gonna live my whole life in the night because I don't have time to borrow

Half of these lyrics are true the other half is just bullshit

Everything so boring
everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl

you could be my someone
you could be my scene
know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene
wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us but that's not very far

can u take it all away
can u take it all away
when u shoved it in my face
explain again to me
can u take it all away
can u take it all away
when u shoved it in my face

everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
so make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
know that I will save you from all of the unclean
wonder what you're doing
wonder where you are
there's oceans in between us but that's not very far

CHANGE

It's always interesting to hear the answers your friends come up with when you ask them what they like best about you. From two of my very close friends i heard that what they like best about me is that i always find the good in people. I take what is positive about a person and i work with it from there. Often i put a lot of faith in people, some in which that don't deserve it but that is something about me that will never change.... I never used to have this mindset but I have undergone many obstacles in my life that caused me to change my outlook on a lot of things and this is the new me. Putting Faith in people has definitely come back to bite me in the ass plenty of times but I feel like this is something about myself i never want to change. Even though sometimes i may be looked at as nieve, i believe it is a positive way to life. For too long have i had too much negativity in my life whether it has been from people or just events. Ever since i developed this new mindset i feel like a much more easy going person.... kinda just laid back and letting things go their own way. Don't get me wrong i can still get crazy but with certain things i've learned to just let it take its course and not be so controlling. I've become a much happier person this way. Even though being like this leaves alot of room for being let down, thats just something else i deal with that will eventually make me stronger.

WAKE UP!!!

feeling...

You ever get that feeling where you are so uncontrollably indifferent. I almost feel nothing, i almost don't want to feel anything. What if this goes back to what it used to be. i moved from the stage of feeling everything to the stage of feeling nothing. I'm stable now, where nothing can hurt me. Once i get feeling back i may burn a little. It's not human to stay indifferent, to feel nothing. It doesn't stay like this forever. I just want to stay indifferent, to feel nothing this way just in case things go sour i won't feel anything. I guess to hurt, to feel pain and sadness is just a jolt. It is a reminder that we are alive, that we are human. We feel everything. This is the reality that settles in and tells us we need to get through it. But to be indifferent, to feel nothing is just so much easier. It's like the "fight or flight" the adrenaline rush. you feel nothing until the rush dies down.I know this is a stage, i know this won't last forever but when it wear's off i hope I'm ready, ready to feel EVERYTHING.

They told me It would be difficult and they told me it couldn't be done. To me, that sounded like a challenge. some said it would be impossible and that only made me want it more. They told me this would be something i couldnt have... well tell them i have it now, tell them i remember years ago when someone told me it was impossible. it's mine now

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love is worst
Empty promises will wear
I know
And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them...

Hope it don't get here before I get where I'm going

where I'm going I don't need any breaks, there is no time for breaking...
but the lovers need to clear the road because this thing is ready to blow.
I just want to set you on fire so I don't have to burn alone
and you can see where I'm coming from.
I know its cold but it doesn't have to be.
I guess clear the road or just don't get in my path.
I'm not breaking anymore, no, not for anyone.
I'm finally okay and saw the light the other day.
i was brutally shaken and woken up
but the only thing i want from you is for you to stay away.
Lovers need to clear the road because this thing is ready to blow
and i need to get where im going, hope it don't blow before i get where I'm going.
No I don't like the way regret tastes so i know what I'm doing

faith

I witnessed something, its like something was pushing me back in my seat and protecting me. Some kind of motion, some kind of presence... And i"ll telll you this hasnt beeen the first time i encounterd a feeling like this...i guess its indescribable. But everytime i could use a wish, a miracle, help or just a push to keep moving... It appears. You won't knw what this feeels like until you felt it yourself. It's almost as if something is hovering over you... There was three times in my life that i felt this presnece and recently the third time topped it off for me and has changed my whole outlook on fate, karma and faith for that matter. Everything really does happen for a reason and if something is meant to happpen it will on its on. That is a belief i will never let go of.

This one is for you babe...

I've learned to let go.... COME ON

Here's a middle finger Coming straight from oca-l-a
I appreciate your judgement it's proved that I can't trust a word you say
those must be some pair of binoculars that you see every move I make
so I'll never be a liar but you'll always be two-faced

You'll get what's coming to you You're blinded by your instincts
I'm not your fucking game I'm not so easily beat

I'm looking down at this mess that you've made
and I can't believe that I stayed So unhappy for so long
Where did I go wrong?
I've got to get out of this my hand is on the handle
We're leaving everything behind
Goodbye for a lifetime

I'll rip that scandalous bitch in two
We'll bring the noise

Try to pretend that I never even knew your name
'cause everything you are disgusts me
So I wouldn't be here
what I'd give for you to disappear
so tell me girly how's your edge?

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this but you're just like everyone else

Here's a middle finger from me to you, you'll get what's coming to you

alright.... here is a mouth full...

They say bad things happen for a reason. I'm not upset anymore, im not angry, i have no regrets although it will sure sound like it. just because one bad thing happens does not mean the world stops. Although your insides sure as hell feel like they stopped functioning .. its not the case. The clock doesn't stop there. You still have to wake up in the morning get out of bed survive and then go back to bed. Mine as well put a smile on as well as say fuck you to anyone who tries to put you back in a hole again. There comes a time in life where it is okay to be selfish. Do things that are good for yourself . Don't always stick with what is comfortable and familiar. That was a problem i had of my own. i found my comfort spot in one person and i think about it now i only stayed and kept going back because it was familiar to me. Change scares everyone, walking away is even worse. The fear of letting go is the most consuming feeling i have ever experienced. it took me some time to realize letting go is good for me and there is nothing to be afraid of because in the end i'll be okay and i will accept change. if there is anything im feeling right now... its happiness. there is a lot more life left to go :)

FAIL

so i just figured i have alot of time to waste so why not talk about an epic situation that went down yesterday... 5 friends 6 days 5 nights in Orlando , florida... we'll first we have to get to florida in order to talk about it.. anyway. It all begins with me sleeping over Caroline's house.... (i knw it was a bad sign wen i stubbed my toe with my luggage and nearly ripped off my toenail) we wake up early in the morning( feelin like p-diddy) .. our flight to take off isnt until 4:30 so we figured lets go get everything done... we got spray tanned which btw gave me a heart attack then we went to go get waxed... two indian ladies took me and caroline in a chair.. we were the only ones in there and it was a good thing because eyebrow threading literally feels like they are razoring skin off my face with a small blade. i couldnt keep still and so after caroline was done a second india lady had to hold me while one did her thing with the thread... i mean dnt get me wrong they came out great but wat a pain... so after we finish with eyebrows we wanted to see if we could get a brazillian wax... now im sitting there thinking to myself.. if i was in pain with the eyebrow threadding then the waxing is going to hurt like a bitch... so caroline and i basically expose ourselves to these ladies only to have them wax apart of carolines skin off and then tell us there is nothing to take off and we have FAILED. Alright so at this point its pouring buckets outside with 60 mile and hour winds and caroline and i are trying to run to the car without having our 26 dollar tans melt off our bodies. We get to the nail place caroline is getting her nails dried and mine are just being finished up... caroline turns to me and goes... "SARAH....... why does is say cancelled under our flight?" and right after benny calls and caroline picks up and says "i know!" then after benny.. incoming call from evan..." our flight c..." "i know already damnit!" interrupts caroline. then to my phone... incoming call from (800) number.... i pick up.."helloo, this is DELTA, we are calling to inform you flight 1815 leaving from jfk on march 13th arriving to orlando florida has been cancelled... we have scheduled you on the next flight for 820 am sat march 14th...etc" so everyone is freaking out by this point... we call delta get an agent and the agent first books us for the 820 flight leaving on monday.. then we call delta again because everyone is in an agreement that we want to leave TONIGHT... we get on the phone with another delta agent and they say to us there are five seats for the 720 flight leaving tonight. naturally we all freak out.. horray horray. we change our reservation from the 820 am to the 720 pm leaving tonight. 5:30 roles around christina and evan are already at carolines house. we load the car like an assembly line out the door and get to the air port. we then stand outside weighing our luggage... evan's ron burgandy bag weighs the least and caroline's in 52 pounds which is over the limit. so ofcourse caroline takes out some peanut butter and some shampoo and princess bubbles and puts it into ron burgandy aka evans bag. ALRIGHT problem solved eveyone is under the limit we are good to go. THEN we are waiting online to check our bags and we see all fights into florida are cancelled and the only one that still says ONTIME is our flight.. two more minutes we wait online and then turn around to see our take off time has been changed from 720 to 820... ok ok we are delayed no big deal. we get through security and it took 3 minutes... the security line was a ghost town... ( AND THATS WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS UP) we get to our gate and we decide to go grab some foood... we meet up with benny and the happy five are all together at last. so as soon as we are done eating we find out our flight is now delayed till 11pm and we won't arrive in orlando until 3pm... oo did i mention DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME STARRT... RIGHT... anyway we are a little pissed but ya know at least we have a flight... so we countiune to eat our feelings some more chomp on some oreos and things. we then get to our gate sit down for about 5 minutes to only find out FLIGHT TO ORLANDO IS CANCELLED.. now the real reason it was cancelled was 80% the crew timed out and 20% the weather was bad.. so as soon as that announcement went off JFK WAS like a MAD HOUSE. lines where everywhere there were teenagers crying. little kids running around with out shoes and 6 month pregnant moms having a serious bitch moment with the delta agents... so we all split up christina and benny get on a long line for rebooking.. evan is guarding the bags while trying to get through to delta on the phone and call the hotel we were suppose to check into.. caroline and i are tormenting a guy name john who was the one delta agent in the far corner where we were originally suppose to board the plane. now this guy had a computer and he was young so we knew there was something he could do. at first the guy was rude because he was stressed out and his shift was frozen and he hasn't eaten nor taken a break in ours. so naturally the light bulbs turn on in our heads. caroline gets her little blue man aka her suitcase and we are literally bribing this delta agent john with food. oreos? milanos? pringles? he had it all and he was eating it too!. at first wen he was looking for flights the only one out was to ft lauderdale and then we would have to take a car to orlando. and clearly i was out numbered and the only crazy bitch that was saying WE SHOULD DO IT.. p.s im glad we didn't... anyway the nice delta agent john was so kind and found us a first class flight leaving monday morning and coming home the 20th so we got bumped to first class and got a extra two days added to our vacation... so i guess stuff worked out! but not entirely it wasnt over yet... so we loose christina and benny and along with christina and benny our luggage is already checked and on its way to orlando with out us. carolines dad has to drive in now 70 mile winds to get us from the airport and we finnally find christina and benny. benny leaves with his dad and now its the lucky 4 of us in the car on the way back to carolines with no luggage a melting tan and not a clue as to if we are going to have a hotel to stay at on monday... we get back to caroines to regroup and put evan on the phone with maureen ( mine as well be moron) from expedia.. so evan basically owns this bitch ( NOT UP IN HERE MAUREEN ! NOT UP IN HERE!) we get out penalty for not checkin in tonight waved and we get to extend our stay at the hotel for an extra 28 dollars total so five dollars each horray.. then we hear that the first night we are there we are staying in a one bedroom because there is no availability and then the rest of the trip we will have our two bedroom two bath villa with a full kitchen... AMEN. SO...
ORLANDO FLORIDA TAKE TWO on monday morning

There must be

There must be serenity

There must be deliverance

Deeper I'm falling

Blindly descending

plane

If your plane fell out of the sky, who would you call with your last goodbye?

Driven

So this is what it comes down to, the final hours before your judgment… you tell yourself over and over again in your head that you did everything you possibly could, you tell yourself you deserve to end up on top. Will everything pay off? , Respirations are steady, you forget every issue, every heartache and clear your mind. Its almost as if nothing else matters. Everything around you is frozen. You ask yourself one more time… do I deserve this? Do I want this bad enough? You know most won’t make it so the chase starts and you kick into drive J

Who ever you may be... all i want is to Rock Your Soul. I want to see myself the way you see me, I will give you something more then words but whoever you are all i want is to Rock Your Soul. The sun will shine through the rain and you will see all i want is to Rock Your Soul.... whoever you end up being...

i don't know if you notice anything different. It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long And I don't know if you even notice at all that I'm long gone
And the things that keep us apart Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive Keep me alone
THIS IS THE THING
I don't know if you notice anything missing Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor
And I don't know if you even notice at all Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

and so... I'M TERRIFIED

Can i tell you how i really feel? Can i tell you what i really think of you?

I think you have a lot of nerve, i pity you. I think you don't know what you want. I think you have no consideration for what you put me through. I think your selfish. You can wait all you want i have no idea if ill ever come back around your way. Because you told me you didn't love me once and i swore i would never turn around again. You can only push a girl away for so long until she never comes back. I moved forward with a hole in my chest until it was fixed and now I am finally leveled out i am finally stronger then i have ever been. I did it all without you. don't know if i can do this thing called life WITH you